Hampton Court Palace

Date: October 12th 2018
Plans: Touring Hampton Court alone before flying to Poland.

I spent around 3 hours wandering around the palace and could’ve easily spent the whole day there! The place is ENORMOUS and I didn’t even get to finish looking at everything due to time.

First of all, I should tell you there is a TON of history here! However because the average attention span of an adult is about 8 seconds, I will try not to ramble on to much about it all. If you’re also looking for a history lesson about this place, then you’ve come to the wrong blog! The education train has left this station.

If you’ve watched tv show ‘The Tudors’ or seen the movie ‘The Boleyns’ or even the documentary’s on Netflix about King Henry VIII then this is for you! This is the place it all resides around. 

This place is the very first Palace I have ever stepped foot into. So being the wide-eyed, slightly educated (but not really) person that I am… everything and I mean EVERYTHING wowed me! Then it annoyed me, then I was frustrated and lastly tired due to the vast size of the place.

I think I left with more questions than answers to be honest. Like how many tables does one place need? There were tables everywhere! You did not need to walk very far to reach your next table. Small tables, corner tables, study desks, dining tables… they just seemed to be everywhere.

Everything just seemed to be an over exaggerated, un-necessary amount. For eg, the bedroom ‘quarters’.

Normal people – One bedroom. Bedroom may be large, it may be small. However generally for one person there is only one bedroom.

British Royalty in the past – Multiple bedrooms. A very large bedroom for something. Where I assume all his people, maids ect would watch him sleep. Another bedroom connecting to this one for who knows what (I didn’t read it) and then another one. I think in total this King had 4 ‘bed chambers’ all magnificent and luxurious. Including a small-ish bedroom for ‘private’ matters (of course I remember this fact).

I believe this is bedroom 2 for the King.
The Kings special ‘private’ chambers for all his sexual encounters.

I didn’t take a lot of photos of all the bedrooms because I was just using my phone and was low on storage. Plus basically they all generally look the same. Extra large, 4 poster bed with thick curtains followed by some form of artwork on the walls or roof. You seen 3 of them… you seen them all.

Bedroom 1. It’s huge…

This theme of having way to many rooms for the one purpose seemed to repeat throughout the entire palace. Bathrooms – kitchens – dining halls – meeting rooms – throne rooms ect. To be frank, I don’t get it but then again why not. If i’m rich and come from a royalty lineage then yeah… give me all the bathrooms. I also think if I lived here I would loose so much weight just by walking around my own home.

There was even a ‘Chocolate Kitchen’. Because the King was quite fond of chocolate, of course he had his own special Kitchen just for making his daily hot chocolate. This is something I’ve never heard of before and is my ultimate, un-obtainable goal in life.

Every wall and roof was covered in artwork. All of which tell certain stories in history. I think alot of the reason they don’t do these huge pieces anymore in homes, on roofs and walls, is because we have technology now. Where we would watch tv in bed, they would look at these. Now like all things never quote me on anything, this is just something my brain thinks of. That this is there ‘television’ in the past. And they are exquisite!

I personally would LOVE to have one on a grand staircase like the one below. But above my bed? Tiny baby angels in loin-cloths floating above me while i’m in bed? Probably not.

Even the maids/ workers quarters was magnificent! I mean you could definitely tell the difference between the two places. No medieval ‘television’ aka artworks. No soft fabricated walls, no gold… but nevertheless it was refreshing for the eyes.

My eyes got a bit overwhelmed and sick of looking at pure luxury all the time. Honestly if you didn’t have the audio guide to listen to the history of the place, after walking around for a few hours you just feel like you seen it all. Then you see this little part to the right before walking out and it’s a whole new world! This section is also huge!

My audio guide headset somehow stopped working part way through, so while I was walking at a snails pace listening in on every tiny detail I was looking at during the beginning. Towards the end half I just zipped through a lot of it because like I said… you seen one… you seen it all. So the servants quarters? We love! Don’t get me wrong though… I’m still Queen. Never forget that.

But why does it look like my current house though?

One thing I did notice was the bathrooms. For myself a bathroom is the make or break of a place. It is where the magic happens. Where I go from looking like a 2 to a straight 10 (yes I give myself a 10, love yourself hun. All tens across the board)!

Now this is where I would definitely struggle if I lived in those days. No shower, no plumbing, where’s my glam lights, why must I bathe in candlelight’s every single day, where’s those huge glam mirrors out in the hall ways? Why am I subjected to this basic mirror in here? Why are there no fun artworks to look at in here? How long must I wait for my maids to ‘run me a bath’… would certainly feel like they’re not ‘running’ at all and rather filling it up at a walking pace.

If it was me and I was Queen in this place there would be some re-designing in the Queens quarters that’s for sure. Chuck the basic tub out, give it to the maids. Upgrade me to a huge claw-foot tub with marble floors. Swap the mirrors around… the hallway doesn’t need huge, glamorous mirrors, the bathroom needs it. And send Michaelangelo (wrong time I know, I’m rolling with it) to sculpt me a fine-as looking God in here too. Why is there so many cupid paintings everywhere? Paint me some half-naked, built, sexy looking Roman Gods everywhere on this bathroom roof. Add in a few beautiful ladies to spice things up.

Maybe then if Queen Margaret had a friend like me designing her bathroom there would’ve been many more children. And maybe even a few baby boys to carry on the lineage. Instead she only had baby girls and ended up being be-headed. This is where we went wrong. Poor thing.

Because I spent a good solid 2 hours walking at a snails pace by the time the headset stopped working and I realised how much time I had, I quickly zoomed off to the gardens! It was more or less a fast walk then a zoom because I was tired.

They had this zen-like water fountain in the middle of Hampton Court which is goals. I imagined me in a beautiful maxi dress doing all the photo shoots here, instead I was in jeans and a jacket and no one to take photos of me. So one can only dream.

I didn’t get to look around properly because the place is so huge by the time I got there all I wanted to do was sit down. But from what I saw… man they knew gardens.

It’s funny because Cardinal Wolsey originally built this place for himself but when his best mate King Henry VIII visited and he saw that he liked it so much, he had to do one of those “oh surprise I built this place for you…”

Lesson learnt. Don’t be best mates with a King. They say “surround yourself with people you want to become” but take a note from the Cardinals books. Imagine all the swear words that would’ve been going through his mind… all his hard work… maybe he wishes that the King never even visited the Palace in the first place.

All in all no happy endings here. The King subjected his wife of 20 years, Queen Margaret, to isolation because she didn’t bore him any sons. Because the Cardinal couldn’t divorce them and he wanted to marry his side piece ‘Anne Boleyn’ he just be-headed her (as you do). Anne Boleyn later also got be-headed (we call this karma). In fact everyone was be-headed. He bore no sons at all, so his eldest daughter ‘Elizabeth’ from Queen Margaret became Queen once he died. However she died a virgin (what a horrible way to die…) thus ending the reign of the Tudors.

See I did in deed I did learn alot here. But if I was to remember the King for one thing it would be this…

If you ever get a man that is so rich he has a special bedroom just for ‘private’ R18+ matters and also a kitchen dedicated purely for just chocolate alone? Run sis.


I do apologise for referring to all the exquisite paintings as ‘medieval televisions.’ If you were offended by my lack of knowledge and felt it disrespectful, you have my utmost apologies. Also judging by my tag line ‘bogan islander’ you should’ve exited the blog a long time ago babes. But many apologies… x

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